" Stop, Go Back, Try Again" by regularjaneflying on DA. Please give all credit to her.

"I'm battle scarred... I am working oh so hard. to get back to who I used to be."

I was always a hard worker and determined. I liked having my fun and getting away with things, but I balanced it all out. The moment she started to die, towards the end of my freshman year in college, my grades job, my smile began to become fake, my weight increased, and my lack of care with the world started... The moments that I should've made happen with us, I let slip through my fingers like sand. I regret that a lot.

I also had something happen that summer that ruined me for awhile. I didn't honestly feel better about it till crying to my mother I said what I felt. I was afraid God would shun me for the sin and so I tried to hide from his eyes. I felt so disgusted with myself I gained weight subconsciously on purpose and I have this thing now where I hate when guys look at me...

But lately I have been getting more friends. I have been telling my mother everything. I am getting much closer to my boyfriend and Cj himself is starting to spend more time with us again. I still have a very long way to go, but I am realizing again just how blessed I am.

"Near to you, I am healing, but it's taking so long... 'Cause though [s]he's gone and you are wonderful, it's hard to move on. Yet, I'm better near to you."

I believe I have lived so far one of the best lives out there. I have been more blessed than maybe 1 million people out there. I can say this with confidence. Never once have I truly gone hungry. I have never not had someone out there thinking about me at least once during that day. I have people online and in person who know me so well. I have things to do and am never really bored.

I know most of my cousins well, my friends and I spend time together, my boyfriends a great sweetheart, and my brothers are definitely my brothers, we are close. My parents worry about me, my dad looking for cars for me, my mother freaking out when she doesn't hear from me in one day. My aunt letting me always do laundry at her house and feeding me. My aunts in cali, one letting me call them and helping when I was sick once, along with my uncle actually coming over and helping me feel better. My other aunt giving me an opportunity to go to Hawaii and San Francisco. My grandparents on both sides of the family paying attention to me.

My boyfriends never even met me! Three of my really close online friends haven't either, but we do so much for each other! I must have something about me, right? I need to continue thanking God, making everyone know how much I appreciate them, and for once, leaning on their shoulders when I need to cry. I need to stop holding it in and acting like I'm alone, because I never have been once.

I need to get up and start being myself again. I need to study hard and do everything that I need to do. None of it really was as bad as I was making it out to seem. Grandma, I will always do the one thing you always taught us: "Live life without regrets. Care for everyone and share the love. Always listen to your heart."

I will take your examples and form them into my own. I too want to live a life that like you, completely changes people forever.

"I only know that I am better where you are... I only know that I belong where you are."