"flying, lonely, days" by KalbiCamdan on DA. Please give all credit to him.
"[S]he's disappearing, fading suddenly. I'm so close to being yours. Won't you stay with me, please?"
My grandmother died in May this year... I am the type of person that hides all her emotions inside. Bottles them up so nice and tight she nearly forgets they existed at all. But then something comes along, nudges just a bit, and everything goes wrong. I said I was lazy last semester, but to be honest I was denying even to myself that I was depressed. I was going to lose my grandmother soon and I knew it. I prayed selfishly to God, for just one more Christmas, and then after he granted that, for one more birthday celebration. He gave that to me too.
I remember calling her up after my first A on my English 101 paper and Grandma laughing said, "I'm not surprised." I remember Grandma calling to remind me that Sherlock Holmes was on and me usually going over and watching them with her. Often I had to explain what was going on because they spoke so quietly sometimes even I had trouble hearing them.... But I also remember, missing her and visiting only once on the weekend I'm down there because I can see the way she is dying. I remember telling her I couldn't watch the show tonight, be it Jane Austen Theater show or Sherlock Holmes, because I am lazy at home on the couch, and taking her for granted...
If she was here, she'd be sad I'm thinking like that. She didn't like anyone to blame things on themselves. She didn't like to cry either. I don't believe once I ever saw her do so. It didn't hit me till last week, when I was afraid for Cj, that she was really gone. Suddenly, it was like I got punched in the lungs and couldn't breathe...
"Such pain as this shouldn't have to be experienced. I'm still reeling from the loss, still a little bit delirious."
Suddenly everything I'm doing is bringing me to tears. I went to McDonald the other day and thought "these fries are perfectly salted!" and then with my own tears salted them some more. I remembered that time Grandma wasn't supposed to have salt, and I snuck in some fries with her and secretly we ate them together. I can see her licking her fingers and smiling at me...
I relish, like a spoiled child, the fact I was the last person to show her the fall. We ate at Scholostksys, she got tortilla soup and a sandwich. Because I was vegetarian at the time, I gave her all my pepperonis. She praised the soup, I remember that she'd really enjoyed it. We went by Bonito lake and took tons of pictures. The leaves crisp and bright with color, red, yellow, and fiery mixtures. She talked to me and I was able to see nature the way she did, as one of Gods miracles and our greatest pleasures...
I put all of my hair up once, despite hating the lack of security my bangs gave me from covering part of my face, and she told me "I told you you'd look best with all the hair out of your face!" She was always wanting me to put all my hair up and to get "those bangs out of your face"... I only did it once, but I still hear her voice in my head when I am looking in the mirror and finding things wrong...
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