You know they say...

That Mexico isn't pretty safe right now, right? You wouldn't do anything that stupid... Right? [edited this.]

You know that when you leave us and we don't know where you are... It's more than just lonely. It's pitch black. So dark that there's no point in searching for a light. We always keep hanging on, hoping, pretending that nothing really bad could happen...

When this happens, I see you before you were to tall for me to reach. Before you were to big to not listen to me, to not fight it. I see you as I pedal back up the street, blood on the concrete, the bike, and pouring down your face. I hear the shouting of mom as she grabs and picks you up and I watch as she carries you away. She's rushing, Alex in the stroller and you in her arms. She's like God then. She's always been like that since. Like she could fix the world.

But Cj, she can't fix you no matter how hard she's tried, and lately it's been killing her. Slowly and where you can't see it, but if you try you can feel it just as deep as I can. I need you to feel it because none of us could take it if she cracked.

And none of us could take it, if you never came back.... I don't tell you nearly enough how much I love you.

Like that time we were rocking on the chair and Daddy told us not too. But I kept rocking us anyways and as we tipped over, I pushed you out and got a black eye, and you cried louder than I had. Were you scarred as you fell back and I fell forward? That's what I feel like now. Useless as you push us away, where our backs our turned and we can't see where we're about to land. I'm just scared to keep waiting for that sicking crack, the way you had when you heard my face hit the wooden table. I don't want to hear you crack, all the while falling, unable to do anything.

[ A letter to my brother. ]

Could You Grant Me a Wish?

Could You Grant Me a Wish?

Please keep smiling as usual.
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"Ali told me just how pretty you'd become and how grown-up and changed, but it's one of those things that you just had to see it to believe it! Who knew you'd be so gorgeous!"

That's what my Aunt said and honestly, I hear it quite a bit, so I'm used to it. It certainly boosts my ego. But I wish I could just get rid of that nagging voice in the back of my head where I am constantly hearing where pieces of me could use improvement.

But I've heard that's one thing you can't ever get rid of, so I'll just keep thinking "you are your own worst critique" so when I get myself real down. I can bring myself back up.

I did a bunch of homework over this weekend with grandma, so I plan on keeping that up, because it felt great to be organized and accomplished. I started to fall back into the lazy pattern today and felt depressing and useless as shit.

I've found the start of all my problems. At least now I know where to start in fixing it.

- - - - - - - - - - - -
I finally see, those parts of me you'd pointed out.
The things I'd doubted that existed.

I'll work hard to piece it all together.